The gods would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, they ask that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?

   Newspaper
   Bible
   Torah
   Television
   Book of Mormon
   Divine Inspiration
   Dead Sea Scrolls
   My Mama Done Tol' Me
   Near Death Experience
   Near Life Experience
   National Public Radio
   Tabloid
   Burning Shrubbery
   Other
   (specify): 

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

   Yahweh
   Father, Son & Holy Ghost
   Jehovah
   Satan
   Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
   God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
   God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
   None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
   (specify): 

3. Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

   Yes     No

   If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
   Please indicate all that apply:

   Not eternal
   Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
   Not omniscient
   Not omnipotent
   Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
   Permits sex outside of marriage
   Prohibits sex outside of marriage
   Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera)
   Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
   Looks after life other than that on Earth
   When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
   Requires burnt offerings
   Requires virgin sacrifices
   Other
   (specify): 

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire your particular deity?
   Please check all that apply.

   Indoctrinated by parents
   Needed a reason to live
    Indoctrinated by society
   Needed focus in whom to despise
   Imaginary friend grew up
   Hate to think for myself
   Wanted to think for myself
   Wanted to meet girls/boys
   Fear of death
   Wanted to piss off parents
   Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
   Needed a day away from work
   Desperate need for certainty
   Liked the holidays
   Like Organ/Celtic Music
   Need to feel Morally Superior
   Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
   Thought Jerry Falwell wasn't cool
   Shit was falling out of the sky
   My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
   Other
   (specify): 

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before?

   Yes     No

   If so, which one?
   Please check all that apply.

   Mick Jagger
   Cthulhu
   Triple Goddess
   Baal
   The Almighty Dollar
   Bill Gates
   Steve Jobs
   Left Wing Liberalism
   Guinness
   The Radical Right
   Ra
   Beelzebub
   Barney T.B.P.D.
   The Great Spirit
   The Great Pumpkin
   The Sun
   Elvis
   Cindy Crawford
   The Moon
   A burning shrubbery
   Other
   (specify): 

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to your deity?

   Yes     No

   Please check all that apply.

   Tarot
   Lottery
   Astrology
   Television
   Fortune cookies
   Psychic Friends Network
   Dianetics
   Palmistry
   Playboy and/or Playgirl
   Self-help books
   Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
   Biorhythms
   Alcohol
   Tea Leaves
   EST
   AOL
   Mantras
   Jimmy Swaggert
   Crystals
   Human Sacrifice
   Pyramids
   Wandering around a desert
   Insurance policies
   Burning Shrubbery
   Xena Warrior Princess
   Other
   (specify): 

7. The gods employ a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.

   Which would you prefer (choose one)?

   More Divine Intervention
   Less Divine Intervention
   Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
   Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. The gods also attempt to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

   Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 the current handling of the following:
   (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

   
   

   
   

   Disasters	1	2	3	4	5
   Flood
   Famine
   Earthquake
   War
   Pestilence
   Plague
   SPAM
   AOL
   Windows 98
   Miracles	1	2	3	4	5
   Spontaneous remissions
   Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
   Crying/bleeding statues
   Water changing to wine
   VCRs that set their own clocks
   Winning the Lottery
   Men who truly understand women

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of the gods' services?

Name:	(optional)
E-Mail:	(optional)

If you complete the questionnaire by July 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately 1:6.023x10^-23 depending on number of beings entered).